22 September 2015

Hamster Wheel

Written 14 August 2015.

Warning: whiny post.

I feel like I'm spinning my tires, in every aspect of my life.

Work: I have a decent job, and it's all right. It's hard on the body, but then so is my dream career so I can't really complain.

Spiritually: I don't even know. I just -- how do you talk to the same God who just stood there and watched a nine-year-old die in a horrific, torturous way, despite the desparate prayers of those who loved her?

Creatively: I haven't choreographed a dance in two months. I haven't had a single writing idea since I finished Kyrie last November. I don't know if it's grief or exhaustion or burnout or what, but I sit and listen to songs that I know I had ideas for and... nothing happens. Absolutely nothing happens.

I've been researching what it actually takes to get into the choreography industry. Nobody actually knows. Seriously. Nobody. I've found lots of information on how to choreograph a dance (I have completed fifty-two works to date... pretty sure that's taken care of), and lots of information on what kind of salary the average big-name-dance-company choreographer makes... but nobody can actually tell you how to get from 'first piece' to 'choreographer for the Royal Ballet.' You can't expect me to believe that you just walk up to the Artistic Director of the Royal Ballet (or whichever company) and say, "Hey, so I'd like to be your choreographer," and seriously expect them to hire me right there. There's got to be a process, a ladder to climb -- but what are the steps?

This is so hard. (I know, everyone says that no matter where they are or what sort of life they have.) I'm exhausted from school -- it was invigorating for me in my self-confidence, but it absolutely drained me physically. I literally ate one meal a day and slept four hours a night (if I was lucky) for the entire second semester because I needed that time to stay on top of my homework load. And even now, four months later, I'm still feeling the effects of this. My lungs have considerably worsened. I wake up some mornings wanting to curl up and die because I'm so spent and all I've done is open my eyes. I had hoped to spend my summer practicing dance and finally getting to do some choreography now that I don't have papers and music theory hanging over my head. I have choreographed literally nothing.

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