25 September 2015

Music Day - Walkin' In Faith

Written 10 January 2014, 11.07pm.

Discovered this through the Frontline Records Facebook page last week. I clicked the link they posted and stuck one earbud in, expecting some decent background-music rock. Within the first twenty seconds of the song, I put in the second earbud.

This thing rocks hard, but it's melodic. It's kind of like a heavier version of White Heart, or a less over-the-top version of '80s Stryper. Think White Heart's Dr Jekyll And Mr Christian with a little more muscle (and slightly less stellar vocals, but that's only because nobody can top Rick Florian). Also, turns out these guys are Canadian, which makes them even better.

Their guitarist is awesome. His playing makes me think of Oz Fox (Stryper). It's some seriously good stuff. Usually I kind of zone out a song's guitar work (Daniel Amos and Prodigal being the only exceptions), but not with what I've heard of this band so far. This is really compelling. I can't put my finger on it, but it's darn good.

Title: Walkin' In Faith
Artist: Angelica
Album: Walkin' In Faith
Year: 1991
Label: Frontline Records
iTunes here; YouTube here.

24 September 2015

In Hiding

(Otherwise known as 'Previous Post Part II.')

I feel like I'm running in a circle. I hate harping on these deaths that have so destroyed my life, but I can't get away from them. I know I'm being annoying because that's all I talk about, all I think about, all I can see, but I don't know how to get out. It's like being stuck in a video game crash, constantly looping back to the time of death and/or destruction. And because I feel like I'm being annoying, I'm being quiet/shy/reserved/distant again. Nobody needs to hear me whine -- again -- about how stupid it all is (and yet, look what I'm doing right at this moment...).

So I'm emotionally in hiding. I spent all of four months truly out in the open and enjoying my life, and just when I was enjoying this newfound exuberant life that I didn't even know I was capable of, it all got taken away. I've hidden myself away -- again. It took over twenty years for me to feel safe enough to come out of my shell, and now it's all for naught.

And I wonder if that's not why I can't come up with anything artistic -- no choreography, no writing, no joy in dancing, nothing -- because on order to connect with people you have to be vulnerable, and right now I absolutely refuse. Nobody is allowed in anymore. I want them to be, but I can't bring myself to allow it. What if I just get close to someone and they die too? I legitimately cannot handle another death. An uncle attempted suicide not long ago, and though it was intercepted and he's still here, I almost had a nervous breakdown. I have to wall myself off; I have to not love anybody and then it won't hurt when they leave. I need to build this wall, I need to protect what remains of my heart if I want to survive. And even as I think this, I keep telling myself I can't afford to think like that. I can't go through life in a cocoon... but neither can I go through life when people keep dying and getting hurt and hurting each other and killing themselves. I can't live with or without you.

I miss the people I had before I went into hiding. But I can't connect with them. I'm too different now. I'm too pulled within myself, I'm too single-minded. I need too much of their love, and it's unfair of me to ask so much of them.

...I swore I would never say these things again.

I swore I would never succumb to feeling like nobody cared. I swore I would never shy away from people -- from my friends. I swore I would never put on the mask again. I swore I would breathe deeply in the richness of life. I swore I would live in full colour, with my heart on my sleeve. I swore I would never forget how loved I was.

22 September 2015

Hamster Wheel

Written 14 August 2015.

Warning: whiny post.

I feel like I'm spinning my tires, in every aspect of my life.

Work: I have a decent job, and it's all right. It's hard on the body, but then so is my dream career so I can't really complain.

Spiritually: I don't even know. I just -- how do you talk to the same God who just stood there and watched a nine-year-old die in a horrific, torturous way, despite the desparate prayers of those who loved her?

Creatively: I haven't choreographed a dance in two months. I haven't had a single writing idea since I finished Kyrie last November. I don't know if it's grief or exhaustion or burnout or what, but I sit and listen to songs that I know I had ideas for and... nothing happens. Absolutely nothing happens.

I've been researching what it actually takes to get into the choreography industry. Nobody actually knows. Seriously. Nobody. I've found lots of information on how to choreograph a dance (I have completed fifty-two works to date... pretty sure that's taken care of), and lots of information on what kind of salary the average big-name-dance-company choreographer makes... but nobody can actually tell you how to get from 'first piece' to 'choreographer for the Royal Ballet.' You can't expect me to believe that you just walk up to the Artistic Director of the Royal Ballet (or whichever company) and say, "Hey, so I'd like to be your choreographer," and seriously expect them to hire me right there. There's got to be a process, a ladder to climb -- but what are the steps?

This is so hard. (I know, everyone says that no matter where they are or what sort of life they have.) I'm exhausted from school -- it was invigorating for me in my self-confidence, but it absolutely drained me physically. I literally ate one meal a day and slept four hours a night (if I was lucky) for the entire second semester because I needed that time to stay on top of my homework load. And even now, four months later, I'm still feeling the effects of this. My lungs have considerably worsened. I wake up some mornings wanting to curl up and die because I'm so spent and all I've done is open my eyes. I had hoped to spend my summer practicing dance and finally getting to do some choreography now that I don't have papers and music theory hanging over my head. I have choreographed literally nothing.

19 September 2015

Music Day - How I Wish I Knew

When I hear you crying
When I feel you dying
When your heart starts fading away
How I wish I knew what to say...

I'm actually on the other side of this song right now. The people around me are asking this question: 'what is it you want to hear?' 'why can't you just move on?'

I wish I knew too. I wish I knew how to pick up the pieces enough to stop the rage that consumes me now. I wish I knew how to be glad that my cousin is with Jesus. I wish I knew how to believe God loves me. I wish I knew what would make everything even sort of okay again.


This is classic Choir -- slow, acoustic guitar with intense poetic imagery.

Title: How I Wish I Knew
Artist: The Choir
Year: 2005
Label: Galaxy 21
iTunes here; YouTube here.