Why I Hate Spring

According to the calendar and the sun-watchers here in Canada, it is now spring. This is a revolting development if you ask me. I hate spring. And here are the reasons why (in no particular order):

1. Mud.
I live in a very rural area. The only roads for the next four kilometres are all dirt. In the spring, this means industrial-strength mud. I have seen tractors get stuck in the stuff. No lie.

2. Melting snow.
I love snow. I don't even mind driving through it that much (in fact, it's preferable around here to drive through snow because you can at least follow the tracks other vehicles have left behind rather than dry your eyes out trying to see the centre line that hasn't been repainted for fifteen years).
One of the most painful things in the world is to watch the lovely pure white snow melt. Even more painful is to listen to people callously say things like, 'hopefully the snow melts soon' and 'finally some sun -- maybe the snow will melt.' It's like they actually enjoy watching something so beautiful shrivel up and die a horrible lingering death (see also #4).

3. Standing water.
While admittedly fun to splash around in if you're dressed for it, when you're not dressed for it the only parking space you can ever find anywhere is right in the middle of a puddle deep enough to rival Lake Winnipeg.

4. Inanely cheerful people.
No offense to my dear friends who like spring, but collectively you tend to get very annoying very quickly. Especially on Facebook. Few things are more irritating than logging in and having to wade through posts from 72 otherwise fairly mature people saying 'Sun, sun, Mr Golden Sun, please shine down on me.' (See #8.)

5. Chronically warm housemates.
I don't care that the calendar says spring. That calendar was most likely printed in California. If you haven't heard yet, they have a completely different seasonal schedule than we do in Alberta. Do not tell me to put on a sweater; in case you haven't noticed I'm wearing seven of them already and in fact do not own any more sweaters to put on.
Furthermore I do not care that the weatherman says there might possibly, maybe, perhaps, if you're lucky, be one ray of sun peeking through the clouds for about ten seconds. One ray of sun is not sufficient to melt the thirty-foot high snowdrift on your yard, so stop squealing like an idiot. Nor is it sufficient to warm the air to the point where one can wear shorts and a t-shirt and go barefoot. I have a news flash for you -- it is still minus fifteen out; SHUT THE FLIPPING WINDOWS!

6. 'Fresh' air.
In the city, spring means fresh air. Like actual fresh air that I really don't mind breathing in because it's nice.
In the country, however, spring means fertiliser. Fertiliser means animal dung. Spread all over the abundance of fields around here. And trucked back and forth and back and forth across the roads you live on to get to said fields. Also, the increase of sun (see #8) means an increase of heat, which leads to an increase of smell.
Even more intolerable are the people who have been in the country long enough that their brains have been permanently warped by the smell and claim to enjoy it. These unfortunate folk will actually roll down windows, stick their heads out and breathe deep whenever they pass a fertiliser truck or a tractor fresh from the field. Then they will spend the next ten minutes asking if you were dropped on your head as an infant because you still have functioning olfactory glands.

7. Bugs.
I despise bugs. We don't get that many here in Canada (I'm told from those who have been Stateside), but the ones we do have are massive and seem to have an unnatural love for my bedroom. When you require three hours and a cement block larger than your dog to kill the three-inch-round spider on your wall, you have a problem. It's 1 to 4 am. You should be sleeping.
You also have a problem if a moth the size of a semi trailer gets caught in the fluorescent 'twisty' light bulb and literally burns half to death but can still fly fast enough to evade your cement block.

8. Brighter (and longer-lasting) sun.
I don't mind the sun -- to a point. However, when you spend an average of an hour a day driving into the sun, you get a pounding headache very quickly. Add to that logging into Facebook and finding an abundance of brainwashed robots singing the sun's praises (see #4), and it all makes you want to go out and buy yourself a firearm.
I'll admit that I'm one of those famed 'night owls.' I do my best work in the dark. The longer lasting sun forces me to stay up later to get anything of worth done and thus I oversleep the following morning. Mornings are bad enough without having everyone biting your head off because you're late for everything. (Also see #9.)

9. Daylight Savings Time. Enough said.

There are many other reasons why spring simply should be skipped over, but I'm sure you get my drift. Spring sucks, winter's cool, and that's all I have to say. Thank you for your time and attention to this very pressing matter.