19 February 2017

Singing and Dancing

Written 31 January 2017, 11.19pm.

The thing with being primarily a dancer in a musical theatre program that emphasizes singing SO heavily is that you're kind of caught between two worlds. On one hand, dance is my first -- and biggest -- love. It is the one thing I have found that can keep me alive when my entire life is falling apart around me.

On the other hand, I want to be a good singer so I can get better roles at this school. At this school, weak singers get lesser roles (if any) and that's all there is to it. I, of course, am one of the weakest singers in the program. But -- singing is not my love and my joy. After all, how can someone enjoy something they're so mediocre at? I don't exactly enjoy watching people flounder and struggle to find something, anything nice to say about my vocal performances.

If I'm honest, I feel singing is a necessary evil if I want to be a performer. Right now I'm just fighting to get my singing to a passable level. I know I should be having fun with it and enjoying it, but if I'm honest, I often dread practicing voice. If it happens to go well once I get going, then I kind of enjoy it, but the bad days far outweigh the good and I feel like I'm going absolutely nowhere.

I'm torn between wanting to focus on my voice -- my weakest point -- and strengthen it, or on dance -- my strength and love -- and attain higher levels of true excellence.

I should love to sing. So many people do, whether or not they're good at it. Why don't I? Can I ever be any good at it if I don't love doing it -- or at least sort-of enjoy it? But how can you love something that you're not that great at? Will joy come with time and practice, or will it never come at all?

15 February 2017

The Weight of the World on a Living Heart

5 February 2017, 1.27pm.

The world sucks.

That may seem pessimistic, but from a relational standpoint, it's true. (I'm leaving aside for the moment the 'we're moving in the right direction/working for a better future' argument. That may be true, but for this post I'm focusing on the here and now.)

How common is this view, generally, I wonder? Take the aforementioned hope-for-the-future argument out of the equation for a moment and think about how you feel about the world as it stands right now. How good is it right now, at this moment?

As for me, I feel this so intensely that often my heart physically feels heavy under the weight of all the sadness and pain and loneliness in this world -- even just in North America or even in the building I live in. I don't personally know even a fraction of how much pain lives here, but I feel it, sometimes to the point where I physically cannot stand under the weight of it.

Am I the only one?

Does anyone else feel this collective groaning of humanity? Does anyone else carry the pain of many in one tiny helpless heart?

Or do I get to be the special one -- again?