I've been putting off writing this. There's a part of me that's excited, but right now the bigger part of me is the part that wants to pretend time doesn't move.
I'll try to condense the story a little... otherwise, you'll be here reading forever.
In February, I found out Briercrest college in Saskatchewan has a dance team. Several years ago I had considered going to Briercrest, but didn't really pursue it. After all, what was the point of blowing four of the best years of my life in some classroom just for some dumb piece of paper that doesn't even guarantee you a job unless it says 'M.D.' on it?
But when I found out they have a dance team... I don't exactly know what happened. It was like an explosion over my life. It was like God was poking me, telling me to go to Briercrest. At first I was willing enough... probably because I didn't think it was ever going to actually happen. I sent the application, and asked God that if He didn't want me there that the application wouldn't even be accepted in the first place. At this point, I didn't care if I was accepted or not.
Then the email came. I had been accepted.
And reality set in.
Did I seriously just apply to blow two years of my life at college because of a dance team? And a hip hop team to boot? Aside from modern/contemporary, that's the one dance discipline I don't do. Plus there's this little matter of my, um... varied (yeah, let's say that) sleep schedule. I'm actually going to have to carve out time to fix myself more substantial food than nachos and salsa (I can cook more complex stuff than that, I just hate all the time wasted on preparing it). And my family -- I wouldn't see them for months at a time...
And then the gut punch. Ballet class.
A hip hop dance team suddenly becomes little comfort when you realise you may never wear your pointe shoes again. I'm a rare bird who actually enjoys dancing on pointe, and it's not something I want to let slide after so many years of working toward it. It doesn't take long for muscle strength to fade, and if I go without for two years, I'll likely have to start from the bottom up again.
As I write this, it's very early in the morning (very early) on Sunday, the second of June. Later today is what I now know is very likely my final stage performance with my ballet school. My sister is also in it -- last Tuesday was possibly the last time we drove together to the dance school for our classes, one right after the other. My mother will have to take her next year. I don't want to leave this. I thought God had called me to dance -- right?
But then, God also allowed me to be accepted to Briercrest. And He ordained that I get a high enough SAT score to confirm my acceptance to the college. Everything is coming together so quickly, almost too quickly... there's so much evidence that God wants me there, for whatever reason. All that's missing is the money, but if God wants me there so much, apparently it's on its way.
I feel like Jamie -- the slippers or the Bible? Is clinging to dance going to be worth sacrificing whatever God has out in the unknown for me? Whatever He has must be good, because He is good. I just can't see it right now. So do I trust Him enough to actually go see? It must be something better than ballet, because God is good. Maybe not more enjoyable right now, but better in the long run...
I keep coming back to the words PFR wrote in the liner notes to their farewell album, The Late Great PFR, in 1997: "God was good when He called us to the road. God was good when He called us home."
It's still the edge of the dream... the plan God laid out for me. It's with different people, in a different place, in a different style of dance than I expected, but it's still His plan. However, at the moment all I can see are the faces of my dear friends who I may not ever dance with again, at least not on this earth.
But if Christ, and following where He leads, is the treasure in the field... how can I not go and 'sell everything,' even dance, for the greatest treasure? (For those who are puzzled by this: it's the concept laid out in Matthew 13:44 in the Bible -- '...the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.')
As I type this, I can barely see the screen due to brokenhearted sobbing. Ballet, and the people it connected me to, were such a huge, huge part of my life. How can giving this up possibly bring me anything better? I don't know, but whether I like it or not, I have to say God is good. His plan must therefore be good.
Changeless breaks the tide to shore
Changeless are the times and seasons
You are the same forevermore
I will keep these changeless reasons...
No shadow of turning falls
No promise is broken
No, nothing can turn my heart
From the words You have spoken
Changeless Your love
Deep as an ocean
-- Terry Scott Taylor, 1987
And should you come into the promised land
From where you came
And if your greatest fears are realised
-- Daniel Amos, 1984