19 August 2012

This Shouldn't Bother Me Anymore... But It Does

This is going to be a bit of a self-pity post. Consider this your fair warning.

So my grandmother is still on her 'Kate-needs-to-get-off-her-presumably-lazy-backside-and-get-a-job' kick. Never mind that I'm working one full-time job and two part-times and am still crazy enough to be seriously considering another potentially full-time job and another part-time.


So today at church, one of the worship team members came up to me as my grandmother was telling me about this utterly fantastic job opportunity she saw in the paper, and tried to thank me for running the PowerPoint.

I don't get a lot of compliments (and most definitely not in real life), so I was carefully recording this moment in my head for future reference.

But instead of letting me have the moment, my grandmother butted in and told him to tell me to get out and get a job.

Sensing a potentially explosive situation, he cut his compliment short and left. So then did my grandmother.

And the recording in my head, meant to preserve a rare compliment, contains only another reminder that I will never be good enough.

I know what you're all thinking. I know what you're going to say. You'll say that I have a lot of talent, that I shouldn't give up just because of one person, that she probably doesn't understand any of this, that I'm not the only one to feel this way. And I do thank you all for that. Those reminders are definitely helpful.

But just once, I'd like for someone to look at me and not automatically assume (or be told before they have a chance to form an impression) that I'm stupid and lazy. I'd like them to be able to hold a conversation with me without telling me everything that's wrong with me (as if I didn't already know and hate myself for it!), to be able to look at me and be able to truthfully say they appreciate me. That it's okay for me learn this whole life thing as I go, that I don't have to have it all perfect the first time. That even if I mess up, they will still love me.

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