Nouns & Adjectives

One of my in-laws recently complained how they don't know me. This elicited two responses in me.

 

The first and most overwhelming was 'maybe if you hadn't spent the last six years criticizing every single word that comes out of my mouth we'd have some semblance of a relationship.'

 

The second response was: 'that makes two of us.'

 

I have never known 'who I am.' I have some nouns, most of which encompass verbs I partake in. I'm a dancer. I'm a choreographer. I'm an artist. I'm a writer. I'm a daughter. I'm a Canadian with German heritage and German bluntness. I'm a hockey fan. I'm married. I'm a sister.

 

This disconnect is apparently a fairly common experience for neurodivergent people, but if anything that makes me wonder even more 'who I am.'

 

I have likes and dislikes. I like the colour pink. I like '80s music. I like salt and vinegar chips and Coffee Crisps. I like sunsets and sweet peas. I dislike 'dance' that is mostly acrobatic tricks. I dislike hot weather. I dislike coffee. I strongly dislike hypocrites and people who weaponise the Christian faith as a tool for manipulating the people around them.

 

There are lines I physically cannot cross. I absolutely can not drink dairy because every single aspect of the experience repulses me (however, I can and do eat my body weight in cheese several times a year).

 

There are things that have happened to me in the past that have informed who I am today. There has been death, divorce, abandonment, loss, poverty, and bullying. There have been moments of kindness, love, warmth, and comfort.

 

There are clinical definitions to describe me. I have ADHD. I have anemia. I have asthma. I am autistic.

 

Over time I have been called smart, stubborn, stupid, courageous, lazy, strong, out-of-touch, too negative, good with words, a bad writer, funny, a failure, cute, unloved, annoying, unremarkable, inflexible.

But who am I, really?

These are all facts about me, but I'm not sure they capture the essence. Or maybe I don't have an essence to capture.

 

Maybe this really is all there is to me. Just a couple of nouns and adjectives, only half of which can be conclusively proven.