Crossroads

I don't know how to preamble this post.

 

I've been thinking lately about officially giving up dance. Possibly both dance and choreography.

 

I tell myself it's a time thing. While I like my job, it still takes away from my creative endeavours. I anticipate staying with this company for a long time (with construction and fast food, I always knew those were stopgaps and not a career). But I'm not fully convinced that's the real reason.

 

Maybe it's fear. Even though my two most recent performances were very well received, the memory of having an entire cast and assistant choreographer turn against me no matter how hard I tried to accommodate their self-professed 'lack of ability' (which was really a lack of commitment and/or self-confidence) still burns deep into my brain.

 

I know I don't really like making the videos. Shooting practice footage is fun, but I feel the need to make 'real' dance videos, with visual themes and costumes and stuff. I don't even mind editing, but I hate trying to scout viable locations and trying to motivate myself to practice enough and trying to put together a costume that isn't either stupid expensive or the same as literally every other dance video ever.

 

And I've 'locked' myself into making a dance video that's supposed to premiere in May.

 

I have the dance memorised and relatively clean (other than the ending -- which is probably also a contributing factor for the resistance I'm encountering). I love this song and I've been wanting to do a video to it since the song was released. I've already test-driven it in front of a live audience and heard nothing but positive feedback. There is absolutely no reason for me NOT to do this.

 

Am I just letting the fear and the bad experiences win, or am I finally being rational about my time and energy for once in my life? Is the distance in my soul a call from God or a siren song from Satan?

 

Despite all the pain and discouragement I've gone through in my career, this is the first time I have legitimately, peaceably, rationally considered quitting. (I had decided to quit performing once before, in 2019, but that was mostly for attention/as a way of self-harm. It was not, by any possible stretch, a rational decision.) I'm really not sure what to make of this. Even when dancing was difficult due to health, lack of motivation, busy schedule, emotional trauma... I never considered quitting, not truly. I still saw the dancers in my head. I still danced to music when doing housework. I still do.

 

What I loved about it was the feeling of flying. The air rushing between my fingers, my muscles firing, the elation of 'solving' a difficult passage and being able to perform it automatically. Performing in front of people or cameras was cool, but those weren't my driving force. I just loved the act of dancing. I love the way my body and mind felt when I danced. It cleared my head like nothing else. Maybe this is the same high people get from meditating?

 

As far as I know, I still love the act of dancing. The alphabet superset I did for Nachmo this year was a lot of fun. I've lost relatively little from the extended pandemic/apartment life drought, and what I had lost seemed to come back with little difficulty. I came out of Nachmo with one full piece that I really love, and some great starts to quite a few others.

 

And yet... I'm still sitting here, wondering if I should officially walk away.

 

It wouldn't be hard, really. I stopped posting the rehearsal videos years ago, when my in-laws banned me from posting on social media. As far as most people are aware, I've already stopped. If we're perfectly honest, the only person acting under the delusion that I'm still actively choreographing (let alone actually dancing) is me.

 

Would life be simpler without dance? Absolutely. Without a doubt. No question.

 

I would have free time. The imposter syndrome would have far less fodder. There would be less paper cluttering the house and annoying my husband (I find it easier to choreograph longhand). It would be so much simpler to just stop even thinking of myself as a choreographer and focus on my day job, or marriage, or housework, or entertaining, or writing.

But twelve years ago, I was on this very blog saying that I felt called to walk this path, no matter how difficult or lonely it got. I believed it then -- in many ways I still do believe that. I believed God had called me to dance, to choreograph, to somehow bring hope to people through it.

I don't think I've done that. If anything, I'm farther away from that now than I was when I started.

Is the work done? Is my work done? Is it time to pass the torch? If so, to whom? Both my sisters have also stopped dancing. M is dead. Most of my surviving dance friends have already moved on to 'real life.'

And if my work is not done, than what work is it, and why can't I see the way forward?

 

And if I can't answer those, there's always the question I would have asked twelve years ago on this very blog -- which option gives God more glory?

 

As usual, I don't know. I never know. I'm always paralysed by fear and uncertainty and indecision and it characterizes me as a person and the way I live my life.