Originally written in March 2021.
It would explain SO much... my lifelong texture issues with nearly every 'normal' food on the planet, my inability to get over stuff quickly, why everyone complains that I'm too honest and wants nothing to do with me, why I literally cannot even feign interest in something I just don't care about, why I can't tell apart characters in films (which also explains why I hate watching them)... so much.
This is something that's been brewing for a while. I happen to follow a few autistic performers on Instagram, and the more autism-life memes they posted, the more I found myself relating to them. I started to research a little. At first I thought, 'oh, most of these don't apply to me,' but then I began to remember/notice things. Like how I have legitimately bought clothing purely because I liked the texture. Like how I NEED to either bounce my leg or move my feet at all times. Like how I made a massive scene (meltdown?) in front of my in-laws in my late twenties because there was too much conflict and I just couldn't hold it together anymore. Like the fact that my sister has taken over my old bedroom at my parents' house has left me completely, entirely lost. Like how I know almost literally everything there is to know about Christian music up till the year 1995, but could not tell you one single fact about Michael Jackson or Madonna, even though they were huge artists in the same era. Like how my one and only dream has only ever been choreography, and I literally get suicidal at the mere thought that it might not happen. Like how I struggle SO MUCH to understand the vague phrases my profs and teachers would use. Like how I shut down at the tiniest provocation. Like how, if someone says, 'just be yourself,' I have literally no idea what to do because I do not, and have never, known who I 'truly' am -- my entire life I have quite consciously taken on the characters of people around me (for better or for worse). Like the fact that I am so cold I am in physical pain 90% of the time. Like the fact that I overexplain literally EVERYTHING. Or the fact that I often will get so engrossed in something (usually reading, writing, or choreographing) that I get 'stuck' in it and literally can't get out -- not even to eat or use the washroom -- until either the task is done or some extremely strong outside force absolutely demands I shift my attention. Or the fact that almost everyone I've ever met is quick to say how smart and quick I am, yet refuses to associate with me because I'm rude/negative/mean/annoying (*cough* HONEST and willing to call out people's crap). Or the fact that I absolutely LOATHE talking to people out loud, but have no problem writing them 800-word texts.
There is autism in the family. It was a cousin who was quite a bit younger than me who I rarely interacted with. My first real experience with autism was when I befriended two fellow theatre performers on the spectrum. I got on extremely (in my case, abnormally) well with both, and it wasn't until MUCH later that I began to wonder if this was because we were more alike than I thought.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to get assessed, especially since the people I've shared my concerns with have outright dismissed them.
I'm not afraid of being diagnosed autistic -- in fact, I'm excited about the possibility. For nearly 25 years I have wondered what was wrong with me, why nobody wanted me and (it seemed) nobody loved me, and maybe now I've found it. Maybe it wasn't my fault like I thought all those years. Maybe all my failings weren't because I wasn't trying hard enough. Maybe my entire lack of a social life has all been based on misunderstanding rather than hate. And because I lacked the concept, the vocabulary, to explain why I couldn't connect with anybody, I thought it was all my fault and I was a failure. I spent YEARS of my life being suicidal for this reason... and maybe I didn't have to be. I'm more worried about NOT being autistic, because if I'm not, I have to start from square one all over again.
I am afraid, however, of posting this.
I have said some pretty bold things on this blog and didn't flinch when posting them, but this one scares me. I am in my late twenties... 'too late' for an autism diagnosis in a lot of people's minds. I know it's common for people (especially women) to go undiagnosed into adulthood, but that doesn't mean the stigma isn't there. I have only shared this suspicion with a handful of people, but every. single. one of them dismissed me immediately. I think they were trying to make me feel better, but it really only made me feel more alone. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried that the few friends I've managed to make will treat me differently if the term 'autistic' is attached to me. I'm still the same Kate -- I always was. If I'm autistic now, that means I've been autistic from the start -- we just finally have a name for it now; a reason why I have struggled so much with so many things that 'should have' come easily to me. All my life, I wondered why -- why can they make friends so easily and I can't? why do I make the exact same jokes they do and get told off for being 'rude,' when you laughed at the same joke when someone else made it? why do I still carry SO MUCH pain and such a sickening feeling of un-resolution from all those deaths going on six years ago now? why do I feel so different and so unwanted and so 'weird'? why do people get SO angry with me for not understanding the vague new age positive phrases they keep giving me when I ask for genuine, detailed help? why do people call me smart but treat me like I'm stupid? why do I feel like such a failure? why can't I understand what people are saying when they're literally speaking the same language as me and yelling to be heard?
I just don't know where to start.
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