How To Write A Novel: A Step-By-Step Guide

For anyone who might be wondering how to write a novel, here's a step-by-step guide to the process (updated November 2010 during the writing of my most recent novel).

1. Turn computer on. Wait fifteen minutes for the dumb thing to boot up.
2. Open iTunes, some kind of web browser, and Notepad (for plot hashing, of course).
3. Open several tabs in the web browser -- one for Facebook, at least one for your webmail, one for your Blogger dashboard, and anywhere between one and... dozens to catch up on your blog reading.
4. Read your email. Catch up on your Facebook news feed and read notifications. Ignore twelve FarmVille requests.
5. Look at list of twenty people that you really should email back.
6. Decide that you'll reply to those people later. After you've made your quota.
7. Read blogs for a half hour.
8. Refresh Facebook.
9. Get up and go to kitchen to get food. Find nothing of interest. Return to computer and refresh Facebook again.
10. Consider actually digging out flash drive containing novel.
11. Read more blogs.
12. Refresh Facebook. Write status bemoaning lack of inspiration.
13. Scroll through iTunes, trying to decide on music to listen to.
14. Remember you wanted to search for a song on the iTunes Store.
15. Search song. Add to wish list.
16. Click on interesting-looking album at the bottom of the page.
17. Preview entire album.
18. Add ten songs to wish list.
19. Click on interesting-sounding song nearby.
20. Add three more songs to wish list.
21. Check wish list.
22. Decide to buy some songs.
23. Check wallet. Find no money. Sigh and return to iTunes library.
24. Scroll a little bit more, looking for a musical selection of interest. Find nothing.
25. Go back to Facebook. Hit 'refresh.' Get no response.
26. Spin circles in desk chair for five minutes.
27. Threaten computer with hockey stick. Computer calls your bluff.
28. Bite back nasty words and check how much money is in the 'MacBook Savings' envelope.
29. Sigh. Pound desk in frustration.
30. Ctrl-Alt-Delete and kill off web browser program.
31. Wait ten minutes for computer to realise 'End Program' actually means 'End Program.'
32. Reopen web browser and all tabs.
33. Scroll through iTunes library a bit more. Narrow your current listening choices down to five different albums.
34. Get flash drive with novel out of drawer/bag/pocket/trash can.
35. Refresh Facebook.
36. Plug in flash drive.
37. Spin more circles in chair as you wait for computer to load flash drive.
38. Start playing a song in iTunes. Decide you don't want to listen to that song now. Start playing a different song.
39. Open file on flash drive that isn't at all related to novel.
40. Come up with brilliant plot twists for nine other stories you're putting off until the current one is finished.
41. Oh yes, the current novel. Go back to drive contents window.
42. Refresh Facebook.
43. Remember you wanted to update profile picture.
44. Open resource-hogging photo editing program.
45. Scroll through three folders looking for photo you have in mind. Realise it wasn't as good a photo as you thought.
46. Scroll through eleven other folders looking for suitable photo.
47. Stumble across those lovely family portraits you took three months ago and never did send to your grandmother.
48. Email photos to grandmother.
49. Do some light editing on about a dozen photos.
50. Get bored with photo editing. Decide to write.
51. Go back to Explorer window of flash drive contents.
52. Click on 'Screenplays' folder.
53. Open two screenplays-in-progress.
54. Reread them and remember why you abandoned them in the first place.
55. Correct spelling of main character's name in four places.
56. Close files.
57. Go to 'Novels' folder.
58. Open novel file.
59. Wait three minutes for Word to open and load file.
60. Refresh Facebook.
61. 'Like' two posts and comment on another.
62. Look at four or five profiles, chosen largely at random.
63. Read another blog.
64. Check email.
65. Refresh Facebook.
66. Get up and go to kitchen.
67. Look for food. Find nothing of interest.
68. Make stop at washroom.
69. Return to computer.
70. Refresh Facebook.
71. Think up potential simple math problem for a different story idea.
72. Write out problem in Notepad file, using spaces to line up columns perfectly.
73. Solve problem.
74. Forget what answer to problem was for.
75. Realise that computer seems sluggish.
76. Look at Taskbar to see what programs you can close.
77. See novel file. Bring that window to front.
78. Hit 'Enter - Tab' to start a new paragraph.
79. Watch blinking cursor for a few minutes. (Optional: Spin a few circles in chair.)
80. Decide to write blog post about lack of inspiration.
81. Refresh Facebook.
82. Write blog post.
83. Revise blog post. Extensively.
84. Publish blog post.
85. Notice typo.
86. Edit blog post.
87. Refresh Facebook.
88. Publish newly edited blog post.
89. Go back to Facebook. Realise the idiots changed the layout. Again.
90. Spend twenty minutes trying to figure out how to update your status.
91. Write angry status update about stupid Facebook developers.
92. Check email.
93. Add three sentences to novel.
94. Refresh Facebook.
95. Start playing a different album in iTunes.
96. Play air guitar, air drums, and/or air keyboard to seven rock songs in a row.
97. Refresh Facebook.
98. Pick a new album to play in iTunes.
99. Decide to actually take a stab at writing this time.
100. Start writing. (Hint: See if you can introduce a talking fish or a random fireball or something. That will help with this exercise.)
101. Get lost exploring random unrelated-to-plot thought in main character's head and manage to scrounge up 6,000 words by bedtime (meaning four AM, of course).

There you have it. Repeat this schedule every day or two and you're bound to come up with a novel eventually (as long as you work on the same file every time).
You're welcome.

Jumping Off The Carol-Killing Cliff

Being a sort of casual music nerd, I naturally pay a fair amount of attention to Christmas songs, and over the past few years it seems that there's always one song that everyone covers in the same year. This results in the same radio station being forced to play varying versions of the same song twenty times in an hour for twenty-five straight days because there is nothing else to play.
Why is this? Why do all the artists pick the same song to cover every year? And why is it always the annoying songs? In the past few years, 'Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree,' 'Jingle Bell Rock,' 'Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland,' and 'Sleigh Ride' (barely tolerable songs in their own right), have all been slowly bludgeoned to death by the warbling voices of past-prime 40-somethings trying to be cool, screeching guitars (fine in other cases, but please don't touch the Christmas material), and a ghastly overload of lyric-drowning drums. (I won't even get into the lyrical mutations of what used to be 'The Twelve Days Of Christmas.')
This year the victim seems to be 'Let It Snow.'
I've never really cared for that song -- too much fluff (no pun intended) and not enough substance if you ask me. For some unknown reason I've always thought the lyrics to be bordering on nonsense.
I would ordinarily be glad of this -- one would think that hearing the same song literally thousands of times between the first of December and Christmas day would result in a total boycott of the mangled songs over the next few decades or so. Unfortunately, if the past few years are any indication, that will not be the case. Usually the 'chosen' song enjoys an extreme spike in intense popularity for one Christmas season, then returns back to its slightly-lower-profile-but-still-overplayed status the next year... only now there's seven hundred different remixes of it and they're all equally unbearable.
Another one that's suddenly become the Christmas song of choice is 'I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day.' This mystifies me, as I'd never even heard of the title until this year, and believe me, I know nearly every Christmas carol in existence. I would never have expected such an obscure song to go mainstream, at least not for a few more years. It's a nice song, but its sudden popularity and the resulting avalanche of hard-rock remixes worry me. To beat the annoying 'cutesy' songs to death is bad enough, but to ruin the classics is bordering unforgivable. There are just some songs that are not screamo material, and Christmas carols make up at least 95% of that category.
And to think I used to wonder why everyone seems to hate Christmas.

The Plight Of The Short

I am five feet, three inches tall, and have been for about four years now (at least).
The next shortest person I know is something like five feet, seven inches tall.
This wouldn't be so bad if I lived in, say, the Philippines. But, no, I live in North America, where everyone and his chihuahua is taller than me. Unfortunately for me, North America is also the place where you must be a carbon copy of everyone else or they all ignore you -- while, of course, being politically correct and non-racist about it.
Do you know how socially awkward it is to be in a conversation with people two or three years younger than you and they literally talk over your head? It's made even worse by the fact that after a few minutes your neck gets sore and you can't look them in the eye because you have to lower your head. And then they think you're antisocial and abandon you completely.
So if you happen to be a tall person (five feet, five inches or more if you ask me), I ask you on behalf of short people everywhere to please at least look us in the eye every once in a while. I know it does wonders for my day after being (I hope) unintentionally ignored for weeks and weeks on end...
And if you happen to a short person, know you're not alone. My chiropractic bill for neck problems is frightening too.

Prodding My Memory

Computers really are smart, aren't they? The Windows ones are at any rate. They make sure you will never forget how much you hate them and how much more money you'll need to save before you can buy a Mac and actually get some work done instead of doing diagnostics on your computer every time you attempt to use it.

Today -- rather, yesterday -- the intelligent Windows computer must have thought I was overdue for this reminder. So, being the helpful device that it is, it... well, reminded me (as if I'd forgotten).

I had reached the end of my novel at just over 74 000 words. The goal is 50 000, so of course I'm far past winning.

However, the NaNoWriMo website requires that you upload the text of your novel for them to count so they know you have actually written 50 000 words or more and can give you access to a well-deserved winner's certificate. Verification, they call it.

It was 11.20 PM and I had just polished off my novel, milking a few extra words out of it here and there, and was finally ready to upload it to get it verified. So I went to the website, pasted the text into the 'verification box'... and Firefox froze.

Completely, totally froze. I know it's probably at least twenty below zero (Celsius) outside, but honestly, this computer has been on for a few hours now, it should have generated enough heat to handle a simple copy-paste operation.

I managed to close the stubborn thing via the Task Manager (the Windows computer user's best friend if you ask me) and restart Firefox (this takes twelve minutes). It allowed me to log back into the site, get to the verification box... and once again froze on the copy-paste.

I began to panic. I have less than a half hour until the verification box is closed to me, because then it will be 1 December local time and the contest will officially be over.

Once again I manage to force Firefox to close and get it to reopen. By now it's 11.40 PM. I have twenty minutes. Again it lets me log in only to freeze when I try to verify.

I'm in tears. That only happens once every six months or so -- I do not cry easily. I have worked so hard on this novel and now I can't even get it verified and get the official winner status that I so richly deserve?

The computer is moving more and more slowly every time. Recovery is taking longer and longer. I figure I have one more chance to get it right before running out of time and thus officially losing the contest.

I'm completely fed up with Firefox. I try Internet Explorer, but it freezes before it even loads the home page.

Fine and dandy. I've never particularly cared for IE anyway.

So I try Safari. I haven't the faintest idea why or how we've got Safari installed on our Windows computer, but it's my only hope now. I double-click it... and am pleasantly surprised.

Within seconds I am logged on to the NaNoWriMo website and at the verifier. I copy and paste my novel into the box. For a split second nothing happens and I began to panic even more, thinking the blasted thing's frozen again.

But then the pointer returns to normal and I am allowed to scroll down to the 'Submit' button.

I think I was happier when I clicked that little baby blue button than I was when I reached 50 000 words.

So I am now officially a winner of National Novel Writing Month for the fourth time in a row. The novel was 74 834 words and 247 pages long. Hopefully I can write the next one on a MacBook.

The #1 Reason I'm Not A More Prolific Writer

As you've probably deduced by now, I 'need' writing music in order to write. Unfortunately that's also the greatest existing deterrent to actually getting any writing accomplished. It's a bit of a 'chicken and egg' problem really.
You see, I recently rediscovered some rather potent writing music in my iTunes library and was listening to it while finishing up my novel.
It was wonderful... my mind was falling into the famed 'zone,' mental pictures were abounding, the story was practically building itself before my very eyes.
However, I have this habit of singing along with nearly every song I know the lyrics to. Since I listen to music almost 24/7, I know the lyrics to quite a few songs.
I can type while singing. That's no problem. I can read something and type it out while singing something not at all related to the document I'm copying.
However, I cannot compose a completely new (and half-sensible) plotline while I'm singing about something else. Most often I end up typing the lyrics I'm singing. While this does add to the word count -- and a high word count is the goal in NaNoWriMo -- it unfortunately does nothing for the story. Really, what is David Meece doing in the Red Cave while Patrick is destroying the jewel key?
Intruding on an otherwise perfectly feasible storyline, that's what.

One Among Millions -- A Short Story

I am nameless.
I am literally a mere number in this realm.
In a world where every new thing, no matter how problematic, displaces the old with startling speed, I have been predictably forgotten.
I am buried deep within her 'My Documents' folder... 'Serena's Documents > My Pictures > January 2008 > Dance > DSCN4671.'
There. That's me.
DSCN4671.
614 KB.
Taken at 11.53 AM on 17/1/2008 in a dance studio in Lethbridge, Alberta.
Focal length 15.1 mm. 1/448s. f/4.5. ISO 720.
When my binary bits are decoded and assembled properly, five children are depicted in the resulting image -- Naomi, Jane, Anise, Vera, and Tricia. They're wearing little blue suede dresses with pink polka dotted sashes around their middles. In their hands they hold blue umbrellas with pastel coloured polka dots.
This is their last rehearsal before the performance three days from now.
I show you a lovely scene -- the girls are gracefully pointing their right feet to where the audience will be in three days' time. They hold the little umbrellas in their left hands, their arms extended completely opposite to their pointed feet.
What I do not show you is that seconds after the shutter was snapped, sealing my existence, Tricia's umbrella slipped out of her hand, landing on Jane's foot. You do not see the large gaping hole in Naomi's tights because it so happens that the side of her leg exposed by the hole is facing the opposite direction. The slight bulge of Anise's dress from her insulin pump is hidden from your sight. I have concealed from you Vera's nervous habit of biting her nails and the fact that a bobby pin flew out of her hair forty-five seconds later and scratched the mirror slightly.
Odd how one moment was immortalised and the other details hidden or forgotten completely. What were the odds that the shutter would click at that exact time -- that the camera's operating system would create me and my depiction of that exact moment, not the one in which Tricia's umbrella was hurtling toward the floor?
An artists' eye perhaps, but I think a lot of it had to do with chance. And I'd also like to think that chance is what has regaled me to this forgotten folder -- that the beauty contained within me won't be hidden forever.


(This is just a little something I whipped up late one night (more accurately, very early one morning) back in January and expanded slightly to put here. Comments are welcome -- compliments, constructive criticism, overall impressions... whatever. ~ Kate)

The Death-Point Of Plot

I know this is a rather late announcement, but I thought I'd mention to you, dear readers, that despite my lack of good writing music, despite having to write exclusively on a time-shared computer (supplemented only by Lila), and despite having to do the better part of my writing between the hours of 9 AM and 3 PM (the hours when I most want to curl up and sleep), I finally reached 50 000 words on the novel!
I officially crossed the threshold on the evening of 20 November. I haven't reached the end of the plot yet (which was my goal, so that's nice), but I haven't got as much left in the plot as I thought.
Last night I was forced to introduce a rather impromptu flood (which wasn't supposed to happen until the sequel), simply for the sake of staving off the final climax. I was hoping to at least come close to 75 000 words this year, but unfortunately my brain has completely checked out and it appears that I'll finish off the novel in a similar fashion to an Olympic speedskater -- race around the ice at speeds that reach 60 kilometres an hour, then at the end stop almost on the proverbial dime and then practically collapse with exhaustion.
This has been my ending for the previous three novels, and I was so determined that it would not be the case this time. This time I was going to keep writing after 50 000 and actually have a nicely-sized novel at the month's close, since I've discovered that revising my previous novels usually means they go from 51 000 words to 45 000. Not the direction one wants to go when they're writing a novel they want others to take seriously.
I've found that my main problem is detailing. I hate writing details, not because the details don't interest me (the setting I often have in my head is usually slightly eccentric and thus rather fascinating), but because I get so bored just typing out anything resembling detail, I tend to skip right past all of it. I've tried so hard to make my writing fast and interesting that instead of simply keeping the details to a minimum I've completely obliterated them.
Which is why I'm so frustrated now.
I can think of at least five scenes off of the top of my head that could easily have a little more detail infused in them, but when I go back to try to add some so I can get more words, my brain completely freezes and I get bored before I even type one word.
However, this flood I've arbitrarily injected into it is aggravating me to no end. The flood simply does not belong in this story. There is no way I can twist it or bend it to make it fit nicely. However, I've completely run out of more feasible stalling techniques, so flood it has to be I suppose...

A Test

Do you know the easiest way to tell if your 'friends' and relatives think you're stupid or not?
If not, I shall now enlighten you. It's very easy, only three steps.

Step one: Get in a motor accident in which you very easily could have been rather violently killed BUT be perfectly okay except for some breathing problems thanks to the air bag. (For best results, make sure the vehicle you were driving is crushed beyond recognition. Also be sure to take pictures, although a very graphic verbal description will do in a pinch.)

Step two: Get a new vehicle, get back on the road and improve your driving skills over the next few months or so.

Step three: Nearly six months later, go on an hour-long (one way) drive in broad daylight after a snowfall (note that the snow must not still be falling. This is very important. If the snow is still falling it will affect the results of the test).

On the morning of the aforementioned two-hour drive after a snowfall, people will come out of the proverbial woodwork, people who haven't spoken to you in several years, telephoning and asking if you're still going on that trip and if so is anyone coming with you.
The amount of panic they display when you tell them that yes, you are still going on this trip, and yes, you're the driver will tell you exactly how stupid they think you are.

Interpreting the results:
If they say, 'Oh okay. Well, drive safe. Anyway, the real reason I called is...' and continue on to give another perfectly legitimate reason to be calling you, then they most likely do not think you are stupid at all and are merely displaying a normal healthy amount of concern for your safety. These individuals obviously trust you enough not to panic but love you enough to care about your well-being. (Either that or they are very good actors, especially when downplaying the actual real reason they telephoned.)

If they say, 'WHAT?!? Are you insane?' they most likely think you are completely daft for even considering the notion, but do tread carefully when met with this response, as they may think you're crazy for different reasons. This response is particularly tricky to figure out despite its simplicity on the surface.
They may be genuinely concerned for you. Perhaps they have already driven some of the roads that day and know that they're worse than they appear. If this is the case you can safely feel that they actually love you and think you're a wonderful, mostly intelligent person and want you to not run into any hardship because they can't bear the thought of you being involved in another horrible accident.
However, they may also think you are too stupid to realise that you need to use caution and they figure that it's safer for everyone (including themselves, if they happen to be going anywhere) if you stay off the road.

If they say, 'Oh' or 'Oh really?' in a rather high-pitched surprised sounding voice, followed by a rather long awkward pause, you are dealing with someone who thinks you're a complete and total certified idiot and you should terminate the phone call as soon as possible. (Saying, 'yes, see you at my funeral' and then hanging up may be the most effective manner of doing this, but please note that this particular method has not yet been tested and therefore if you attempt this please know that you are doing so at your own risk.)

What you do with the results of this test is not certain. Studies have shown that generally the results of these sorts of experiments get published, but you may not want to publish lists of 'friends' and relatives who think you're stupid in any public place. Doing so may result in being disowned or sued. I suppose you could write the lists down and stash them in the drawer of your bedside table for reference when you move out in five years though.

Please note: Results may vary depending on your particular friends and relatives and how well you know them. Sarcasm or 'gentle teasing' on their part may be a factor in their response. This test is not scientifically proven to be 100% accurate. I assume no responsibility for any strained or destroyed relationships that may result from the use of this test.
If you are a subject of a test similar to this that a friend or relative is conducting, please know that while they may be quite aggravated if you freak out every time they have to go somewhere, they do appreciate concern when shown in a gentle, loving way. Do not rub their failure in their face -- they already know that they screwed up. If they didn't they would still be driving around the piece of gnarled scrap metal that went through their first accident because they wouldn't know that their car was totaled and it was their fault. (If you do happen to know anyone like this, do society a favour and notify the proper authorities; as anyone who has been in a serious accident and doesn't know it likely should not still be driving, especially if the lights, steering wheel, doors, windshield, and/or motor of their vehicle have been severely damaged in the accident.) However, the accident victim may still want to talk about their experience as long as you are not judgmental about their role in it. Be considerate and give them a second chance. You're not perfect either.

Rediscovering Music And The Downside Of Shuffle

In my quest for writing music that I already own (and thus don't have to pay for), I have been going through my iTunes library song by song to see what I've been overlooking recently.
It's amazing what gems one can forget they own -- the other day I heard a song on the radio that I've always liked and thought to myself, 'I should look that up on iTunes.'
Then I remembered that not only had I looked up that song on iTunes, I had bought it. Four months ago.
It's also unbelievable what sort of trash is unearthed that one used to listen to obsessively. It's painful to listen to some of it at three years' distance.
However, the main problem with this sudden mining for gold is this: I'm discovering rather a lot of gold. And now I want to do choreography to it when I'm supposed to be writing. That or I'm too busy reading every individual line (at least the song title) and trying to decide what old neglected favourite I'd like to listen to next.
I'm rather picky about this. I can't just click 'Shuffle' and let the computer decide what I want to listen to. At first I held this opinion simply because I'm one of those purists who (generally) likes listening to an album in order, or at least certain songs in a specific order (I have dozens of playlists that I made up for this purpose that lasted about a month before they got old and I abandoned them). I also find it jarring to listen to a different artist every four minutes.
However, I also hold this opinion because once I did put my music on shuffle. I was rather enjoying not having to go back to iTunes and pick new music every ten minutes as I typically do.
After a while, it started playing a soft, slow, mild song. That was perfectly fine, but at the end of those sorts of songs, your mind's rather in the mood of a soft, slow, mild song. That and you've turned the speakers louder so you can hear it.
This was the next song.
Perfectly good song; it's been a favourite of mine for years. I just wasn't expecting that sort of intro directly after something so calm and soothing.
I wouldn't say I 'swore off' shuffling my music after that, but it was a definite contributing factor to my personal dislike of the practice. I suppose, though, if I get quite pressed for time on the novel I could shuffle my music to save time (although I doubt it'll be needed). I just hope the computer will consider my tender heart if/when I give it free rein.
But knowing this computer, it probably won't.

Standstill

Apparently writer's block carries over into all areas of life.
I have written over 20 000 words in the novel so far, but currently I'm completely stuck... and unfortunately that appears to include this blog.
I've come up with several ideas that might make a good post, but they've all fizzled out as soon as I've tried to write them, unless you'd like to include the slightly stream-of-consciousness ones that have a drugged-up dreamlike quality to them...
So... any topic suggestions any of you might have are completely welcome. This blog is feeling rather neglected...